Suicide Watch
by JenJenJen13
Summary: After getting caught attempting suicide, Ling Tong enjoys his spotlight and the reluctant attention everyone’s giving him after Sun Ce and Zhou Yu assign them to a 72-hour watch program, but the little sneak isn’t being straight up about the situation.
1. Watch Awareness

I don't own Dynasty Warriors LEAVE ME ALONE KTHNX

I find it really strange (and irritating) how so many people think of Ling Tong as a little bitch for wanting to avenge his father, while Sun Quan's avenging of his own father against Huang Zu was perfectly justifiable. As much as I love Gan Ning, I think Ling Tong's got a point for not wanting to get along with him. He doesn't even whine THAT MUCH in the game, either.

Anyway, since I love Ling Tong, I decided to write a story about him. :3 I understand suicide is a delicate subject and must be treated as such, no joking around about it, but then I remembered, it's FICTION. If you've read anything I ever wrote, you know I don't take anything seriously anyways.

* * *

"Well, guys, we've got some sad news today," Sun Ce said, over breakfast that morning. "Ling Tong, um… tried to kill himself last night. We found him in the weapons closet this morning."

Da Qiao and Lu Xun gasped, but nobody else seemed too surprised. Or interested, for the most part.

Sun Ce didn't look too surprised at his generals' reactions as he continued. "Anyway, uh, things are a bit tight right now with the Wu army funds, and we really can't afford to pull in any new generals. So, Zhou Yu and I have whipped up this chart detailing how we're going to fix up Ling Tong's little problem, y'know, give him a reason to want to live and all that." He made a face.

"Not it!" Xiao Qiao said immediately.

Sun Ce looked at her blankly. "When I made the announcement that you'd been kidnapped by Dong Zhuo, how would you feel if one of _your_ friends said "Not it"?"

"You had to make an announcement that we were kidnapped?" Da Qiao asked incredulously.

"Yes, of course. Why do you ask?" Zhou Yu asked.

Xiao Qiao made a face. "Geez, I guess me and sis's kicking and screaming "HELP US!" wasn't a big enough hint? Sheesh!"

Sun Ce looked annoyed. "Oh, whatever! The point is, it's not a "not it" situation! We're all helping whether you want to or not!" He turned towards his friend. "Zhou Yu, take it away!"

Zhou Yu stood up, holding a very large scroll of paper. He unrolled it and handed one end to Sun Ce, holding the other end himself. He cleared his throat. "We've decided to do a 72 hour suicide watch," he said, "As you see here, everyone's names are on the chart, and we'll switch off every hour—"

"Hold it right there!" Sun Shang Xiang said angrily. "Why do I get stuck with him _five_ times on the same day!? Everyone else only has him three times!"

Zhou Yu sighed. "Because we accidentally scheduled Ling Tong to supervise himself, so we had to revise the chart. THEN we scheduled Gan Ning to supervise him, and that wouldn't work, since they'd probably kill each other—"

"Hear, hear!" Gan Ning shouted cheerfully, waving his drink. Lu Meng snatched the glass away, probably assuming it was alcoholic.

"And by the time we realized we had a decent chart, you happened to be on it five times! Deal with it!" Zhou Yu finished.

Sun Ce groaned. "Look, it's not gonna be that bad, guys! He tried to kill himself! Shouldn't you want to help!? All you have to do is talk to him and make sure he stays away from anything lethal!"

Sun Ce was spared a response by Ling Tong himself coming into the dining hall. Immediately, Zhou Yu stuffed the chart under the table and Sun Ce glared at his generals, mentally ordering them to keep their mouths shut.

Unfortunately, the generals were all staring at Ling Tong blankly, as if they expected him to pull out a knife and stab himself to death in plain view.

Ling Tong sat down in his usual seat (Xiao Qiao looked nervous, as if suicide was contagious) and looked around before getting visibly annoyed. "Would someone like to tell me what you all are staring at?" he asked.

"Not you," Gan Ning said, and laughed. Da Qiao smacked the back of his head. "OW! Geez!"

"We're all just happy to see you," Sun Quan offered, giving a winning smile. Sun Shang Xiang rolled her eyes.

Ling Tong made a face. "Yeah, I'll bet."

The awkward silence continued for about five minutes. Sun Ce smacked his forehead in exasperation as he realized his generals were STILL staring at Ling Tong as though he had three heads.

"Ling Tong, isn't there something you'd like to say?" Zhou Yu prompted. "We talked about this last night, remember?"

Gan Ning laughed. Sun Ce shot the ex-pirate a very dirty look before turning back towards Ling Tong.

"C'mon, Ling Tong, we're your friends, you can tell us if something's bothering you," Sun Ce prodded.

"WHY is everyone staring at me!?" Ling Tong hollered, losing his patience very quickly. "I mean, I know why the girls are staring at me—" Sun Shang Xiang coughed suddenly—"but the MEN too!? Is there something on my face!?"

"I thought you said he was suicidal, not homicidal," Lu Meng said.

"That last crack he made sounded like he wanted to die," Sun Shang Xiang added.

"Ling Tong, you tried to kill yourself last night. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to fixing it," Zhou Yu said gently, as if he was talking to an emotionally deranged psycho.

Ling Tong looked around at everyone's reactions to this news. Nobody even pretended to look surprised. Sun Shang Xiang even rolled her eyes.

Sun Ce kicked underneath the table to try and trigger a response out of whoever he hit.

"OW!" Lu Xun complained, "What was that for!? Which one of you kicked me!?"

"Not me!" Xiao Qiao said promptly.

"Not me," Da Qiao said.

"I wish I did it," Gan Ning chuckled, earning another smack from Da Qiao. "OW! I thought girls weren't supposed to hit men!"

"That's the other way around," Sun Shang Xiang called.

Sun Ce mentally smacked himself in the forehead. Ling Tong would be dead by sundown at this rate.

Ling Tong looked outraged. "You know what? I did try and kill myself! And you know why?"

"Why?" Sun Shang Xiang asked, sounding bored.

"It's all your fault!" Ling Tong shouted. "Every single one of you! You jerks don't do anything except pick on me and make me feel bad about myself! My own father was murdered and you—" he pointed to Zhou Yu— "YOU told me to get over it!"

"I didn't say _get over it_!" Zhou Yu protested. "I said mourn his—"

"Did too!" Ling Tong whined.

"Alright, I have to say something," Sun Shang Xiang interrupted.

Sun Ce groaned. He highly doubted his sister was about to say anything that would encourage Ling Tong to live on.

"Since when did you become Mr. Sensitive? You've got the most nerve out of all of us! What happened to the irritating sarcasm and the unsquashable ego!?" Sun Shang Xiang demanded, folding her arms. "Whenever something happens to one of us, you've always got a smartass comment to follow up!"

"Name one time!" Ling Tong said, pouting.

"FINE!" Sun Shang Xiang snapped. "Remember when I said I felt sorry for the Qiaos when Dong Zhuo kidnapped them, but better them than me?"

"HEY!" Da and Xiao Qiao cried in protest. "Shang Xiang!!"

Sun Shang Xiang ignored them. "And YOU, you self-righteous ass, YOU told me not even DONG ZHUO would be desperate enough to kidnap me unless he was blind in one eye and couldn't see out of the other!"

"You gave me a black eye for that!" Ling Tong whined.

"I wish I gave you TWO!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted.

"Yeah! You wimp!" Gan Ning called, always doing his part to help.

Instead of offering a rebuttal, Ling Tong looked around at his fellow generals (and Da and Xiao Qiao), none of them looking particularly interested in his plight.

"I hate you all! I'm gonna go jump in the ocean and then you'll have to live with the guilt!" Ling Tong shouted, and ran off crying.

Everything was pretty quiet for about five minutes.

"Great. I've sent him to his watery grave, haven't I?" Sun Shang Xiang grumbled. "I'm going to burn in hell all because of Ling Tong!"

"Well, good job!" Sun Ce said angrily. "Way to go, gang! I hope you're proud of yourselves! You guys are a bunch of jackasses!"

Gan Ning burst out laughing.

Sun Ce reared on him. "YOU just had to kill his father, didn't you? This is all your fault!"

Zhou Yu looked confused. "Ling Tong still doesn't _know_ Gan Ning killed his father, right?"

Sun Ce shook his head. "I don't think so, but still! If Ling Cao was still alive he'd smack some sense into Ling Tong and make him stop acting like such a drama queen. And THAT is YOUR fault, Gan Ning!"

Gan Ning scowled. "This again!? How the hell was I supposed to know!? The guy came running at me with a damn spear! If I didn't do something he would've made shishkebob with my entrails!"

"Ew," Xiao Qiao whined, making a face.

"Besides, it's not like he was wearing a damn sign that said "Hey, don't kill me, because if you do and you join my kingdom five minutes later, my stupid son is going to hate you forever and attack you whenever you're around" or something!" Gan Ning folded his arms, pleased with his arguement.

Sun Shang Xiang made a face. "It's not Gan Ning's fault! You could put Ling Tong in a room with fifteen girls and all he's going to say is why weren't there twenty! He's going to have something to say about the new guy who's _way _hotter and has a washboard chest!"

Everyone turned to look at Sun Shang Xiang blankly (except Gan Ning, who didn't understand a word of what she just said).

Sun Shang Xiang turned red. "I mean, uh, POOR LING TONG!" she said quickly, attempting some damage control.

"Nice try," Sun Ce said, shaking his head. "Look, guys, I know he's a pain in the ass and probably _would _be better off if he jumped in the ocean—"

"SUN CE!" Da Qiao cried.

"I meant that in the best way possible, honey!" Sun Ce protested. "Seriously, though. He's having one of his little mood swings, he'll be back to his old self sooner or later. Just do what you can to keep him happy."

"What if the only way to make him happy involves putting him out of his misery?" Sun Shang Xiang asked hopefully.

"Absolutely not," Zhou Yu said firmly.

* * *

And there we have it, chapter 1. I have another few chapters planned but I figured I'd see what kind of reception the first chapter gets. It's a humor story so I can get away with exaggerating the personalites a bit (I'm using the fanfiction personalities; Gan Ning is stupid, Sun Shang Xiang is violent, Ling Tong is whiny, Xiao Qiao is obnoxious... ect) because their new DW6 personalities are BORING D:

:D Comments and complaints welcome! Review!


	2. Hours 1 to 21

Chapter 2. I'm glad you guys like the story!!

* * *

"Do I think Ling Tong is serious about killing himself?" Sun Shang Xiang asked. "No. I don't."

Da Qiao looked surprised.

"This is just like him. Mark my words, he's just trying to take all the attention away from Gan Ning's eight-pack and put it all on himself," Sun Shang Xiang continued.

Da Qiao looked intrigued. "An eight-pack?"

"Yup," Sun Shang Xiang said, gesturing with her hands.

Da Qiao nodded. "I might have to check that out for myself."

Zhou Yu groaned. Perhaps interviewing the generals about "their thoughts" on the suicide watch wasn't the best way to gather research…

* * *

After breakfast…

"C'mon, Ling Tong," Zhou Yu groaned, grabbing the other man's arm and forcefully dragging him outside. "Just because you don't feel like yourself doesn't mean you get to slack off."

"But I don't wanna train," Ling Tong whined.

Zhou Yu shook his head firmly. "Too bad. You're a general in this military and you have to train."

Ling Tong pouted but didn't complain otherwise until they reached the outdoor training arena.

"HI ZHOU YU!" Xiao Qiao chirped, rushing up to her husband with a radiant smile.

Zhou Yu smiled. "Hello, Xiao Qiao. Are you here to watch?"

"Heck no! I wanna brawl!" Xiao Qiao said cheerfully. Her smile fell off her face when she saw Ling Tong. "What's he doing here?" she asked.

"Thanks," Ling Tong snapped. "If it makes you feel better, I'd much rather be jumping off a cliff, but your _husband_ is insisting I stay."

Zhou Yu sighed. "She didn't mean it offensively, Ling Tong. What do you mean, Xiao Qiao?"

Xiao Qiao tilted her head, her long side ponytail following suit. "I thought Sun Ce said he wasn't allowed around weapons!"

"You hear that? Not allowed around weapons. See ya," Ling Tong said, turning to leave. Zhou Yu grabbed his shoulder. Ling Tong groaned.

"Not so fast! Xiao Qiao, did Sun Ce actually say that? I don't remember him saying anything," Zhou Yu said.

"No… he actually said, and I quote, "Don't let Ling Tong anywhere near a weapon, because he might say something annoying and it'd be too easy to kill him and make it look like a suicide"," Xiao Qiao said, beaming.

Zhou Yu groaned. "Xiao Qiao, how the _hell_ did you remember all of that!?"

"I have it written on my hand too in case I forget!" Xiao Qiao said happily. "See?"

Ling Tong folded his arms, pouting. "It's like I'm not even here!"

Zhou Yu groaned again. This was turning into a more tedious task than he thought it would be. "Alright, Xiao Qiao, why don't you go spar with… Gan Ning! Gan Ning, spar with Xiao Qiao!"

Gan Ning stared at Zhou Yu in disbelief. "Gan Ning who!?" he asked.

"Gan Ning YOU! You're goin' down, pirate man! You don't stand a chance against my eternal fans of death!" Xiao Qiao boasted, pointing at him, her other hand on her hip. She looked like a pocket sized cheerleader.

Apparently Gan Ning thought the same thing. He groaned. "Zhou Yu!" he whined.

"DO IT!" Zhou Yu growled. "And if you hurt my wife, I will destroy you!"

Gan Ning looked up towards the sky with a "WHY ME!?" expression. Xiao Qiao bounced off and came back with her edged fans.

"What about me?" Ling Tong pouted. "Can I go back to bed now?"

"No. I know what'll cheer you up, it's a good book," Zhou Yu said firmly, seizing Ling Tong's arm.

"WHAT!? Ew! Nooooo!" Ling Tong wailed. "I'm feeling better now, actually—"

"Yeah right. Come now, books are fun," Zhou Yu said encouragingly, "Why, the one I have in mind is quite riveting. On second thought, I'll read you an excerpt from the book I'm writing!"

"Oh boy," Ling Tong said sarcastically.

The sarcasm flew over Zhou Yu's head. "It's the story of a devilishly handsome young man who is brilliant, and he's also very intelligent, and skilled with a sword, and the greatest intellect to ever grace the Three Kingdoms, married to one of the most lovely women across the land…"

* * *

Later that afternoon…

Sun Shang Xiang groaned as she approached Ling Tong's bedroom door. She'd rather charge onto a battlefield full of mutated reptiles than set foot in here… on normal circumstances, she liked Ling Tong just fine, but when he got into one of his little moods he was about as much fun as a broken leg.

Also, she knew she had to do something she hated doing. She felt sick just thinking about it.

She had to _apologize _to him. She shuddered painfully. Well, actually, _she_ didn't think she had anything to apologize for. Ling Tong should apologize for being such a wimp. But, unfortunately, Zhou Yu had insisted on it.

_Then again, I've never listened to Zhou Yu before_, she mused. _Why should I start now? Screw Zhou Yu!_

_Hmm, that actually doesn't sound so bad… aw, dammit, Shang Xiang!_ She mentally smacked herself.

_Lu Xun is probably just about done with his hour. I'm probably here early…_

"No, Ling Tong, I'm not going to help you get up there—" Lu Xun opened the door and jumped, seeing Sun Shang Xiang there.

"I'm here for my shift," the unenthusiastic Princess grumbled. "How is he?"

Lu Xun's mouth opened and closed a few times, apparently trying to warn her of something. Eventually he just shrugged. "Good luck," he said, patting her shoulder before leaving.

Sun Shang Xiang watched the young strategist leave and shook her head. _Weird kid. Zhou Yu was probably working him too hard._

"Ling Tong?" she asked, knocking on the door.

"Come in!" Ling Tong yelled from the other side.

Sun Shang Xiang went inside, and the sight greeting her made her very much wish she could leave. Ling Tong was lying on his bed, stretched out in his underwear in what he probably thought was a seductive pose. In his defense, he didn't look half bad, but he still looked like an idiot.

"What the hell are you doing?" she finally asked, at a loss for words. _Well, that explains why Lu Xun looked so freaked out a minute ago…_

"Do you liiiiike it?" Ling Tong asked, quite obviously suicidal, but not depression related. More like assisted suicide related.

Sun Shang Xiang gritted her teeth. She knew what he was up to, and she wasn't getting suckered into it. "I'd like it more if it was AWAY," she said, trying to keep her rage from building. "Put your damn clothes back on! Whatever happened to nobody with eyes wanting to sleep with me anyway!?"

"Well, I tried to get some out of Da Qiao earlier, but she didn't want to "cheat on her husband", or whatever," Ling Tong said, rolling his eyes. "You're not… that… bizarre looking, you could pull your shirt over your head. From the neck down you look great."

Sun Shang Xiang felt her fingernails digging into her flesh. "I'm going to take that as a compliment," she said through gritted teeth. "Just get your damn clothes on already! I'm starting to feel uncomfortable!"

Ling Tong made a face, but pulled his pants back on. "Well excuse me for wanting to cheer myself up by having fun," he grumbled.

Sun Shang Xiang didn't want to know what his definition of fun was. "You know what I think would be more fun?" she asked, choosing her words carefully.

"What?" Ling Tong asked, pulling his shirt over his head. "You're not going to _read_ me anything, are you?"

"Ew, of course not. No, I'm talking about fun. Serious hard core fun," Sun Shang Xiang replied, beaming.

"Well, spit it out already," Ling Tong said.

"Sitting on opposite ends of the room. Not talking, of course, but enjoying each other's company. In silence," Sun Shang Xiang said, beaming. "Now THAT'S fun!"

Ling Tong sat down on his bed again, a big smile on his face. "Hey! That does sound fun! And you know what sounds more fun?" he asked, not waiting for a response. "Casting myself off the nearest cliff, savoring the last seconds of life before I hit the jagged rocks on the ground and my head breaks open like a melon! THAT sounds like fun too!" He folded his arms and scowled.

Sun Shang Xiang groaned. "Ling Tong, c'mon! Let's not get carried away here! I came for a reason, okay?"

Ling Tong perked up. "What? You have a present for me?"

"No." Sun Shang Xiang made a face. "This is something I don't say often, so you'd better appreciate it!"

"Are you about to proclaim your undying devoted love to me?" Ling Tong asked.

"I'm not proclaiming any love for anything!" Sun Shang Xiang said, outraged. "I'm not _capable_ of love! What the hell gave you that crazy idea!?"

Ling Tong folded his arms. "I don't feel the need to explain myself."

Sun Shang Xiang rolled her eyes. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Ling Tong, I want to apologize for what happened at breakfast this morning, okay? I went too far."

"Yes, you did," Ling Tong agreed, "You know, Princess, you made me feel so sad I was standing on the edge of the docks out there, about to jump. But something kept me from jumping."

"The fact that the docks are located in about three feet of water, and you would've been up to your waist since you're six feet tall?" Sun Shang Xiang asked.

"Well if you want to be technical about it, I guess," Ling Tong said, making a face. "But I accept your apology."

"Feel ready to keep living yet?" Sun Shang Xiang asked, giving a winning smile.

"Why're you all the way over there, like I'm diseased?" Ling Tong asked, pouting. "You can't catch MISERY!"

The Princess reluctantly left her safety area on the other side of the room to sit next to Ling Tong on his bed, very much wishing there was another chair in here. Almost immediately, Ling Tong performed a very obvious shuffle closer to where she was seated, so his leg was literally pressing against hers.

Deciding to ignore him and the intrusion of her personal space, Sun Shang Xiang settled a big (phony) smile on her fellow general and began her prepared speech. "Ling Tong, I think it's my duty to tell you this honestly. I mean, it's not like anyone else around here has the nerve to tell you the truth, so I've decided to take that responsibility upon myself."

"Uh huh," Ling Tong said, his eyes fixed on Sun Shang Xiang's rack. Sun Shang Xiang didn't notice, so consumed by her rambling.

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's shutting the book closed when all you need to do is turn a few pages. It's like—MFFFFH!" Ling Tong had just kissed her.

She was quite tempted to punch him right then and there, but instead shoved him off her as gently as she could (she was attempting to only break one of his ribs). "Ew! Dammit, Ling Tong! What the hell was that!?"

She didn't give him time to explain. "No! I don't want to hear it! If you ever touch me again, all of your suicidal fantasies will end, because I will kill you! Got it?! I will kill you DEAD!"

"You're so cute when you're playing hard to get," Ling Tong gushed, reaching for her again.

Sun Shang Xiang was outraged. "Don't even think about it!" she ordered, attempting to shake his arms off her.

"You're right! We shouldn't think about it, we should just do it!" Ling Tong agreed.

"Do what?" Sun Shang Xiang asked blankly, before the light bulb went off. "Oh. EW! NO, NO, NO! NEVER!"

"You're leading me on!" Ling Tong whined.

"I most certainly was not! Sitting here talking to you does NOT mean you get to violate my mouth!" Sun Shang Xiang said haughtily.

"Fine!" Ling Tong said, outraged, standing up. "Then I guess you won't care if I JUMP OUT THIS WINDOW!"

"GO AHEAD!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted, "I'm not gonna let you hold that over my head forever! You won't anyway!"

Ling Tong shot her an "OH YEAH?" look, before crossing over to his window, shoving the frame open, and hopping up on the windowsill. Sun Shang Xiang groaned. Her pride told her that he wasn't _really _going to jump, but in the smallest chance that he did, she might get blamed somehow.

"Don't do it!" Sun Shang Xiang finally said, "Tong, stop it, okay? I'm sorry!" She grabbed his arm and pulled him back onto the floor, shutting the window with her free hand.

"C'mere, sit down," she said, pulling him over to his bed and sitting down next to him. "You don't want to jump out the window. Okay?"

"I don't wanna jump out the window," Ling Tong whimpered.

Sun Shang Xiang rolled her eyes and put her arm around him. "Seriously, if you're that set on killing yourself, jumping out the window leaves a lot to be desired. Not as interesting."

"What the hell?" Ling Tong asked, looking confused. "Are you encouraging me to find a more INTERESTING way of killing myself!?"

"Ignore everything I just said," Sun Shang Xiang said quickly.

"I'm sad. HOLD ME!" Ling Tong wailed, and put his face on her chest, doing a bad job of pretending to cry.

Sun Shang Xiang was about sick of Ling Tong violating her personal space, but with a groan, put her other arm around him and gave him an awkward hug. His nose was between her breasts. This was embarrassing.

"You done crying yet?" Sun Shang Xiang asked, finally, after nearly twenty minutes had passed (give or take a few). Ling Tong shook his head, then shook his head again. And again.

Sun Shang Xiang caught on to what he was doing, got angry, and smacked him. "You jerk! Knock it off!" she shouted, grabbing a handful of his hair and pulling him off her.

"Oww!" Ling Tong whined. "Geez, Shang Xiang!"

Sun Shang Xiang bit back the enraged response she was tempted to retort. _Ancestors above, PLEASE tell me it's been an hour already… _

* * *

"Lu Xun! Have you seen Ling Tong!?" Zhou Yu asked almost urgently.

Lu Xun grimaced. "Yes, I relinquished custody of him a little while ago. I believe he's in his room with the Princess."

Zhou Yu scowled. "That little ass! I was gracing him with the gift of my knowledge, and he fell asleep! Then when I woke him up, he ran away!"

"You didn't go after him, Lord Zhou Yu?" Lu Xun asked.

"Of course I didn't. I thought he was going to the river," Zhou Yu sighed. "But don't tell anyone I said that!"

"You have my word, my Lord," Lu Xun sighed.

"Good. Now that the air is cleared of that unfortunate subject, how would you like to hear an excerpt from my latest work?" Zhou Yu offered. "Come now, don't be shy, Lu Xun, this is the opportunity of a lifetime—"

_Rather Lord Zhou Yu than another hour with Ling Tong_, Lu Xun told himself forcefully.

* * *

Da Qiao sat in her room seething like a steamed vegetable. It was very rare to see the Elder Qiao so angry.

It was such a rare sight, actually, that Sun Ce and Xiao Qiao were purposely annoying her to anger her further.

"I can't believe the nerve!" Da Qiao said haughtily, her arms folded.

"Nerve of who?" Sun Ce asked. "C'mon, baby, how am I supposed to avenge your rage if I don't even know who's doing it?"

"Avenge her rage?" Xiao Qiao repeated. "I want to send them flowers!"

Da Qiao shot her younger sister a glare. "Both of shut up! I'm not in the mood!"

"What're you angry for anyway?" Xiao Qiao asked offhandedly. She pointed at Sun Ce. "He did it!"

"I did not!" Sun Ce protested. "_She_ did!" He looked at Xiao Qiao. "What did we not do?"

Xiao Qiao shrugged.

"Neither one of you did anything! It's that horrible Ling Tong!" Da Qiao said angrily, twisting a cloth between her hands angrily.

"What'd he do?" Sun Ce and Xiao Qiao asked in unison (glad they were off the hook, probably).

Da Qiao's eyes narrowed viciously. "That… that… that MAN tried to make me break my marital laws!"

"Whaaa…?" Xiao Qiao asked.

"WHAT!?" Sun Ce yelped. "Da Qiao, honey, please tell me you didn't—"

"Of course I didn't!" Da Qiao said exasperatedly. "I told him very politely that I he could stick his desires up his—"

"Okay!" Sun Ce interrupted. "As long as you didn't do anything, I don't need to hear the details!"

"What? I wanna hear!" Xiao Qiao pouted. Sun Ce covered her mouth with his hand. "MMPH," she complained.

"That was long overdue and you know it," Sun Ce told her reproachfully.

"Both of you go away!" Da Qiao shouted. "You're making me angrier!"

"Hey, this is _my_ room too! You can't kick me out!" Sun Ce protested. He looked down at Xiao Qiao. "Xiao Qiao, I can tell you're licking my hand, knock it off—"

"BOTH OF YOU, GET OUT!" Da Qiao screamed, her normally high-pitched voice rising about several decibels higher. "RIGHT NOW!"

Sun Ce rolled his eyes, grabbing Xiao Qiao's waist and hauling her out with him. Annoyed, Xiao Qiao sunk her teeth into Sun Ce's hand.

"OW!" Sun Ce yelped, retracting his hand and glaring at his sister-in-law.

"Serves you right!" Xiao Qiao said, folding her arms. "Sis's knickers are usually never THAT much in a twist," she added.

"Eh, I'll kick the crap out of Ling Tong once his 72 hours are over," Sun Ce said off-handedly. "Whatever. Have _you_ been to see Ling Tong yet?"

"No," Xiao Qiao replied, falling into step next to the Wu Prince, "Zhou Yu already had him though. They were at the training arena."

"Zhou Yu didn't let him touch anything, did he?" Sun Ce asked.

"Nope! I told him exactly what you said!" Xiao Qiao said cheerfully.

"You remembered all that? I forgot what I said," Sun Ce said, scratching his head.

Xiao Qiao waved her hand in front of Sun Ce's face. "I wrote it all down!"

Sun Ce groaned. "Ling Tong didn't read any of that, did he?"

"He didn't have to! I read it to him!" Xiao Qiao replied cheerfully.

Sun Ce smacked his forehead with his hand. "I think it's about time we took you off the supervision chart."

"YAY!" Xiao Qiao cheered, before pausing. "Um, what does that mean, exactly?"

At that point, Gan Ning exited a room in the palace (the medic ward). His right cheek was bandaged and his left arm was actually in a sling.

"GAN NING!? What the hell happened to you!?" Sun Ce asked, wide-eyed.

Gan Ning opened his mouth to reply, scowling as he did, when he saw Xiao Qiao's small form behind Sun Ce. The ex-pirate's eyes widened in terror. "YOU! You stay away from me!" he shouted, pointing at Xiao Qiao with his good hand. "She's evil! EVIL!" While Sun Ce watched blankly, the infamous and feared Gan Ning of the Bells turned tail and ran at the sight of a little woman.

"Did you really break his arm?" Sun Ce asked in awe, looking at Xiao Qiao.

Xiao Qiao looked afraid. "Well, Zhou Yu told me to fight him… and, I, um… Am I in trouble?"

"Would you like a job?" Sun Ce asked. "You're more competent than half the idiots I call generals…"

* * *

Alrighty then, that's chapter 2! I admit I rushed this one a bit to get it published, but I think it's pretty good. What do you think? Review! :)

Any characters you want to see get stuck supervising Ling Tong?


	3. Hours 22 to 40

I'm getting some pretty awesome feedback for this story XD Thanks!

Now onto Chapter 3…

Taishi Ci appears, in his first speaking debut in one of my fics. Never before have I written this guy. He was surprisingly easier than I thought he would be. Paladins, you asked for him, so here he is :)

* * *

Taishi Ci cleared his throat. "Ling Tong!" he shouted, his booming voice shaking the room. "PAY ATTENTION!"

Ling Tong yawned. "Did you say something?"

Taishi Ci scowled. "Don't you start with me!"

"Don't YOU start with ME! Go away!" Ling Tong complained. "Why are you here anyway?"

Taishi Ci mentally groaned. He could think of at least a dozen places he'd rather be, but orders were orders. "I'm trying to educate you in the stupidity of your ways!"

"You and everyone else," Ling Tong said, pulling his ponytail over his head and examining the ends of his hair. "Do these ends look split to you?"

"Taking one's life is extremely dishonorable!" Taishi Ci continued, ignoring Ling Tong.

"Whatever," Ling Tong said, rolling his eyes. "Easy for you to say, momma's boy. YOU'VE never lost anyone important to you!"

Taishi Ci ignored that as well. "No matter how many times life beats you down, you should never be so cowardly as to give in!"

"What does that even mean?" Ling Tong asked, scratching his head.

"It means, killing yourself is a one-way ticket to hell!" Taishi Ci answered. "Do you really want to damn your soul to eternal suffering and torment just because you hurt physically?"

"Well what about YOU? You have no soul," Ling Tong replied.

"WHAT!? Nonsense! I have a soul!" Taishi Ci said.

"I'm not so sure you do! You're boring!" Ling Tong continued. "You have no emotions, you never laugh, you're no fun… hell, even when you're drunk, all you do is sit in the corner and cry for your mother. Do I have to continue?" he asked.

Taishi Ci's lower lip trembled. "You're wrong!"

"Still in denial, huh? Okay then. I'll continue. You don't like girls, you suck the fun out of everything, even on the battlefield people drop dead when you open your mouth because you're boring," Ling Tong said, ticking off on his fingers.

"I like girls just fine!" Taishi Ci interrupted. "How dare you!"

"Uh huh," Ling Tong said. "When the Qiaos showed up, you were the only one not talking about how pretty they were!"

"I have restraint! I would never look at another man's wife!!" Taishi Ci yelled. "The Qiaos were betrothed upon their arrival!"

"Boring," Ling Tong added. "Sides, those crazy Qiaos aren't as faithful as they'd have you believe."

"What!?" Taishi Ci asked, glad the subject had changed.

"I very nearly had to beat Da Qiao off me with a stick earlier!" Ling Tong said, nodding.

"I don't believe that!" Taishi Ci said.

Ling Tong rolled his eyes again. "Add "doesn't trust anyone" to the list."

"Well at least I'm not a big baby!" Taishi Ci barked.

"At least I'm interesting!" Ling Tong retorted.

"You're a disgrace as a man!" Taishi Ci shouted.

"How many times have YOU gotten laid?" Ling Tong asked.

Taishi Ci froze. "WHAT!?"

"Getting laid. You know, what people do for fun around here! I lost count at 25!" Ling Tong said. Truthfully speaking, he was lying through his teeth. But Taishi Ci didn't have to know that.

"Like I'm going to believe that!" Taishi Ci snapped. "What woman would put up with your whining long enough to sleep with you!?"

A knock on the door interrupted Taishi Ci's rage. "WHAT!?" he shouted, opening the door.

"I'm here for my hour—I mean, my friend, Ling Tong," Lu Xun said unconvincingly.

"FINE!" Taishi Ci screamed. "GOOD RIDDANCE!" He stormed outside.

Lu Xun watched blankly, then turned back towards Ling Tong. "What did you do to him?"

"What did I do!? Nothing!" Ling Tong complained. "It's not my fault he's a psycho!"

* * *

"NO! NO! I DON'T WANNA GO BACK IN THERE!" Sun Shang Xiang screamed, kicking and thrashing as her oldest brother and her sworn brother dragged her up the stairs towards Ling Tong's room.

(A/N: I know Zhou Yu is really just Sun Ce's sworn brother, but for simplicity's sake, he's a sworn Sun family brother.)

"Too bad!" Sun Ce said firmly, hauling his sister. "Geez Shang Xiang, lay off the meat buns, you're packing on the pounds—OW!" Sun Shang Xiang kicked him in the shoulder. "Dammit, Shang Xiang—"

"This is all your fault," Sun Shang Xiang hissed at Zhou Yu, "Scheduling me FIVE TIMES A DAY! And you're supposed to be smart!? You can't even count!"

"We admit, we did think a woman would cheer Ling Tong up more," Zhou Yu admitted.

"And we sure as hell didn't want him pawing one of our wives. Bye!" Sun Ce chirped, hereby abandoning his sister. "Oh, and bail out Quan. He's been stuck in there for two hours now."

"TWO!?" Sun Shang Xiang asked.

Sun Ce shrugged. "I'm a general, not a miracle worker. When nature calls, it calls."

"Eww," Sun Shang Xiang said, wrinkling her nose.

"Speaking of which, I think it just called back," Sun Ce said, making a face. "See ya!"

"Please don't kill him," Zhou Yu added, and he grimaced. "EVEN THOUGH THE TEMPTATION IS VERY GREAT." They left.

Well, only one thing to do, Sun Shang Xiang thought with a groan. "Hey, Ling Tong! Open up!" she yelled, banging on the door.

"Door's open," Ling Tong replied from inside.

Sun Shang Xiang opened the door. Immediately, Ling Tong's eyes widened in terror and he crawled under his bed. "Go away!"

"Oh shut up. I'm not gonna hurt you," Sun Shang Xiang growled. "Get out from under there! Don't make me go down there and get you!"

Annoyed, Ling Tong came out from under his bed.

Sun Shang Xiang looked around. "Hey, why are you alone in here? Where's my brother?"

"He jumped about twenty minutes ago," Ling Tong replied, pointing to the open window. "Pretty rude of him to leave the window open like that, I'm freezing my ass off—"

"HE JUMPED!?" Sun Shang Xiang cried. "QUAN!?" She looked out the window.

Ling Tong's room was on the 3rd floor of the palace. Hanging off the second floor window balcony was Sun Quan.

"Shang Xiang!? Is that you!? HELP!" Sun Quan yelled.

"I can't!" Sun Shang Xiang said. "Hang in there, brother!"

"SHANG XIANG!"

Ignoring her brother, she glanced over at Ling Tong again. "So what's up?"

Ling Tong looked annoyed. "Other than everyone and their brother coming in here to annoy me today? Nothing. I have no idea what the hell is going on! People keep coming in here and annoying me!"

"Shouldn't you be happy your friends care enough about your well-being to want to see you?" Sun Shang Xiang asked, her hands on her hips.

"Nope. That reminds me, can I have another kiss?" Ling Tong asked. "See, I'm asking this time."

"Actually, that reminds me," Sun Shang Xiang added, "If you ever kiss me without my WRITTEN permission again, I'm not going to stop twisting your arm behind your back just because you're crying, I'm going to break it clean off and use it to break your other arm off. Are we clear?"

Ling Tong made a face. "We're clear."

"Good." Sun Shang Xiang sat down on the edge of Ling Tong's bed. "So… uh… nice weather, huh?"

"What about that kiss?" Ling Tong asked.

"Did that threat just go right over your head?" Sun Shang Xiang demanded.

"You said if I ever kissed you. You didn't say I wasn't allowed to ask," Ling Tong pointed out.

Damn him to hell, he was right. Not that it mattered or anything. "Here's your answer. NO!" Sun Shang Xiang snapped.

"You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm gonna go drown myself in the bathtub or something," Ling Tong said, shaking his head, jumping up and dramatically walking towards the bathroom built into his room.

To his great surprise, Sun Shang Xiang didn't follow him.

He turned around. "Uh, hello?"

"What?" Sun Shang Xiang asked. "Go ahead and drown yourself See if I care! You're taking advantage of the situation! I'm going out of my way to be nice to you and all YOU can be is a disgusting ass!"

"You said it, sister!" Sun Quan yelled from below.

Sun Shang Xiang ignored her brother. "I'm not kissing you! And if you start acting disgusting again I'm going to beat you to death!"

"If you try and hurt me I'm gonna scream bloody murder," Ling Tong warned.

"Are you threatening me!?" Sun Shang Xiang yelled.

"Yes I am! I'm going to start screaming!" Ling Tong threatened.

Alright, if word wasn't going to get back to her brother that she was beating up a suicidal person, Sun Shang Xiang would've sent Ling Tong flying out the aforementioned window with a one-two punch by now.

Instead, she smiled sweetly at his smirking ass. "I've got a better idea," she said, her smile radiating with evil. "Why don't you go ahead, lie down, close your eyes and get comfy?"

"You got it," Ling Tong said immediately, leaning back and kicking his legs up onto his bed. "Now what?"

"I'm getting there," Sun Shang Xiang replied, grabbing one of Ling Tong's pillows off the ground and hopping up onto his bed with him, throwing her leg over his hips and sitting on top of him.

"Whoa," Ling Tong said with a grunt, "You're heavier than you look, Shang Xiang…"

Sun Shang Xiang narrowed her eyes in rage, but instead of stabbing him to death like she wanted to do, she squeezed his shoulders and brushed some of his hair from his face. "Feeling good?" she asked.

"Please begin the ravishing," Ling Tong said, and that was the straw that broke the Princess's back.

Sun Shang Xiang grabbed the pillow in her hands and smashed it against Ling Tong's face. He yelped (muffled) into the pillow, grabbed her, and tried to throw her off, but when she got pissed off Sun Shang Xiang channeled the strength of the entire Sun family.

"STOP THRASHING!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted, when his right leg nearly kicked her. "You big baby! You said you wanted to die, DIDN'T YOU!?"

"Not like this!" Ling Tong whimpered, "I'm sorry!"

"TOO BAD!"

There was a knock outside the door, but Sun Shang Xiang couldn't hear anything over Ling Tong's muffled pleas for mercy and the blood roaring in her ears.

* * *

"I hear screaming," Zhou Yu muttered, looking up at the ceiling. He and Sun Ce were in the middle of a Go game, located in the room directly below Ling Tong's.

"Want to go see what it is?" Sun Ce asked eagerly. "Ling Tong might be in trouble… Shang Xiang's probably ripping his throat out—"

"You're just saying that because you're losing," Zhou Yu smirked. "Your turn."

"Aw, hell," Sun Ce grumbled. "You think Quan's gonna be mad at me for screwing him over?"

"I suppose," Zhou Yu said, "But I also suppose you have no intention of telling him?"

"Nah." Sun Ce moved a piece. "ARRGH! NO! Do-over! I want a do-over!"

"Too bad. I win!" Zhou Yu said triumphantly.

The two sworn brothers were so wrapped up in their game that they didn't notice Sun Quan dangling outside the balcony window, shouting for help.

* * *

"Why aren't you DEAD YET!?" Sun Shang Xiang shouted accusingly.

Da Qiao finally burst into the room, breaking the door down. Needless to say she was a bit surprised to see the Princess straddling a suicidal general and smothering him with a pillow (she was even more surprised that she possessed the strength to break down a door!)

"WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE!?" Da Qiao cried.

"I don't know!" Sun Quan shouted.

Sun Shang Xiang jumped nearly seven feet into the air. Quickly jumping off Ling Tong, she smiled sweetly at her sister-in-law.

"Hi, Da Qiao!" she chirped.

Ling Tong sat up, breathing heavily, his hair very messy and disheveled. His face was red. He looked at the wreckage of his door lying on the floor. "Y'know, that door wasn't locked," he complained.

Da Qiao ignored Ling Tong and narrowed his eyes at Sun Shang Xiang suspiciously. "What _were_ you doing, Sun Shang Xiang?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing," Sun Shang Xiang said innocently. She shot Ling Tong a glare.

"What're you doing here, Da Qiao?" Ling Tong asked, pouting. "Come to lead me on again?"

Sun Shang Xiang stared at her sister-in-law with wide eyes. "WHAT!? Da Qiao!"

Da Qiao paused. "Sun Shang Xiang, can I speak with you? In private?"

Sun Shang Xiang shrugged. "Sure, I guess." She turned towards Ling Tong. "Don't you go anywhere!"

"Hey, if you two are gonna fight over me, I wanna watch," Ling Tong complained. He was ignored as the two ladies left the room.

"I did not lead him on! He played the "if you don't sleep with me I'll kill myself" card! I very nearly killed him myself!" Da Qiao whispered haughtily.

Sun Shang Xiang had to admit, she was liking this new devious side of her stick-in-the-mud sister-in-law. "He's been pulling the same BS on me!"

"Then let's get him! Let's teach him a lesson!" Da Qiao said.

"I don't hear fighting out there," Ling Tong yelled from inside his room.

"Shut up!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted.

Da Qiao nudged her. "No! Here's what we should do." She whispered her plan into Sun Shang Xiang's ear.

"My brother really HAS rubbed off on you!" Sun Shang Xiang said, impressed. "Well alright then…"

"GET OFF ME! HE'S MINE!" Da Qiao shrieked.

"Oh drop dead! You've already got a husband!" Sun Shang Xiang yelled, shoving Da Qiao back into Ling Tong's room.

"So? I can have more than one husband!" Da Qiao snapped. "Keep your filthy hands off me!" She shoved Sun Shang Xiang back.

"You think just 'cause you're prettier than the moon and all that garbage you can have whatever you want! Well I don't think so! HE'S MINE!" Sun Shang Xiang screamed. "And I'll kill you for him if I have to!"

"BRING IT ON!" Da Qiao shrieked.

Sun Shang Xiang glanced over at Ling Tong and scowled. He wasn't even paying attention!

"HEY!" Sun Shang Xiang yelled. "If I'm about to kill my sister-in-law for you, you'd better at least pay attention!"

"You're talking about me!?" Ling Tong asked, looking over from his bed.

Da Qiao scowled. "Tell her, Ling Tong! Tell her your heart only burns for me!"

"That's BS and you know it!" Sun Shang Xiang yelled. "You tell her she's full of crap, Ling Tong!"

"If I say something, will that stop the fight?" Ling Tong asked, looking excited.

"No. If you pick her, I'll kill her, and you won't have any more conflicts," Da Qiao replied, glaring at Sun Shang Xiang.

"I couldn't have said it any better myself, nemesis," Sun Shang Xiang spat. "I hate you!"

"You're ugly!" Da Qiao retorted. "And you're a shameless tramp!"

"Oh really!? Like I didn't see you with Gan Ning yesterday!" Sun Shang Xiang yelled.

Da Qiao's face immediately turned red. "WHAT!? I mean, uh, that's none of your business!"

"Ew!" Ling Tong said, making a face. "Just fight to the death already! And take your tops off!"

Sun Shang Xiang groaned mentally. This guy wasn't making anything easy.

"WAIT!" Sun Shang Xiang yelled. "Before we kill each other!"

"What?" Da Qiao asked.

"Let's SHARE!" Sun Shang Xiang suggested.

"YES! Compromise is the key to happiness!" Da Qiao exclaimed.

"This is the best day ever!" Ling Tong said. "What're you two waiting for? Hurry up already!"

Sun Shang Xiang smirked, turning on Ling Tong, cracking her knuckles. "Do I get to go first, Da Qiao?"

"I wouldn't have it any other way!" Da Qiao beamed.

Ling Tong looked fearful again. "Hey, wait a minute…"

* * *

"I said I was sorry!" Xiao Qiao whined, chasing after Gan Ning. "NINGYYYYY!"

"Stay away from me!" Gan Ning yelled, running as fast as his legs would take him. "What, you want to break my other arm too!? DEMON GIRL!"

"I'm not a demon girl!" Xiao Qiao pouted. "Arms will fix!"

Gan Ning suddenly came to a halt outside Ling Tong's room, and Xiao Qiao, not paying attention, ran right into his back, toppling him over. She landed square on top of him.

"ARRRGH!" Gan Ning shouted. "Get off me!! You're bad luck!"

"I am not!" Xiao Qiao cried. "I'm just—hey, do you hear something?"

"Not over the sound of my misery," Gan Ning muttered. "Whoa, wait a minute…"

Very distinct wails of pain were being heard. Actually, it sounded like someone was in there crying.

"Uhh… This is Ling Tong's room, isn't it?" Xiao Qiao asked.

"I dunno. Who's in there with him?" Gan Ning asked.

"Um, I think Sun Shang Xiang?" Xiao Qiao offered.

"Right. Gotcha. Well, I'm outta here," Gan Ning said, "Maybe if we're lucky they'll kill each other—"

"Hey! That's not very nice!" Xiao Qiao pouted.

"Whatever. Stop following me!" Gan Ning said, stepping back from her, "STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

"NO! COME BACK!" Xiao Qiao wailed, chasing after him.

"HEY! Is there someone out there!? HELP!" Ling Tong hollered.

"Shut up!" Sun Shang Xiang yelled, "We're paying attention to you, aren't we?"

"Yeah! Stop complaining!" Da Qiao added.

"THIS IS THE WORST THREESOME EVER!" Ling Tong shouted.

* * *

Woohoo, another long-winded chapter XD Ah well, the longer the better, right? (less chapter updates for me!) I was going to make this chapter longer but I decided to leave it how it is. :D

Since this story is primarily dialogue it'd be easier to write in script format, but that's not allowed, so I'm stuck doing it the old school way. :)

Maybe one, two more chapters? I'd like it to be one more chapter, but it seems so strange to end a story on Chapter 4… so I'll probably stretch it out into Chapter 5. XD

Some new characters introduced—anyone else you want to see? Lu Meng is planned for a later chapter, so if you're going to request him, I beat ya to it :D


	4. Hours 41 to 69

I don't own Dynasty Warriors, but boy do I wish I did! ;) Oh the havoc I would wreak…

Haha, funny story comes with this update. I lent my laptop to a friend so he could type something up before class, and when he opens up the Start menu, he catches "suicide" on the Recent Documents menu.

Anyway, I was treated to a five-minute lecture on the horrors of suicide, before I could finally get a word in and tell him I'm _not_ suicidal, I'm writing a friggen fanfic. XD But I guess it's nice to have friends who don't want me to kill myself. (Ling Tong wouldn't know.)

Enough of my anecdotes; here's chapter 4, as promised!

-

Hour 41

"Geez, thanks for saving me, Sun Ce," Ling Tong groaned, rubbing his head.

Sun Ce nodded, trying very hard not to laugh. He never thought he'd see the day when his sweet Da Qiao turned to the dark side and assisted his evil sister, but it _was_ funny watching them try to kill Ling Tong. He had admittedly watched at the door for a few minutes before deciding to intervene.

"Yeah, I would advise you to leave Shang Xiang alone," Sun Ce added, "She's a powder keg, I wouldn't want to be on the opposite side of those little fists of hers. You've known her long enough to know _that_."

Ling Tong nodded. "I'm just happy she didn't break my arm."

"Since when did you like my sister anyway?" Sun Ce asked curiously. "I figured you were scared of her like everyone else is."

"I'm a lonely man. Beggers can't be choosers," Ling Tong replied.

"Gotcha. So what the hell did you want to go to the graveyard for? This isn't really a place that'll get your mind off your depression," Sun Ce said, scratching his head.

"Oh. I want to see my dad," Ling Tong answered.

Sun Ce eyed him strangely. "Uh, Ling Tong, he can't hear you… he's DEAD…"

"Rub it in, why don't you?" Ling Tong complained. "What, can't a son go see his dead father!?"

"How do I know you're not just sneaking off to kill yourself?" Sun Ce demanded.

"Would you rather I talk to _you_ instead?" Ling Tong asked.

Sun Ce groaned. "You've got ten minutes."

"Humph," Ling Tong complained, sulking off towards his father's memorial tombstone.

Sun Ce rolled his eyes, heading off in the direction of his own father's memorial.

"Hi, dad!" Ling Tong said cheerfully, crouching down in front of his father's tombstone. "Guess what?"

As expected, the tombstone didn't say anything. It's a tombstone. They don't talk.

"Well, everyone thinks I tried to kill myself the other night," Ling Tong said. He looked around, then back at the tombstone.

He burst out laughing, rolling on the ground almost uncontrollably for about five minutes.

"I KNOW! Isn't it crazy?" he laughed. "Seriously, I don't know where they come up with this stuff!"

Sun Ce glanced over.

"They've never been nicer to me!" Ling Tong continued. "I have to beat these girls off me with a stick! Sun Shang Xiang couldn't keep her hands off me earlier, and neither could Da Qiao! They were about to kill each other for me!" He grinned. "I should've "tried to kill myself" earlier, huh?"

If tombstones had eyes to roll, or the ability to roll them, Ling Cao's memorial would be rolling theirs right now.

"I know. You raised me well, huh, dad?" Ling Tong said. "Huh? Nope. I haven't avenged your death yet…"

"I know what you're thinking, I'm a terrible son." Ling Tong hung his head in shame. "But at least I come to visit you! So you're not lonely in there! I mean, no offense, dad, but it's not like you had any friends when you were _alive_… everyone used to make fun of your mustache—"

"It's been ten minutes!" Sun Ce said, coming back over. "Are you done yet?"

"I guess. Bye dad! I'll talk to you later!" Ling Tong said, jumping up. "Say hi to mom for me!"

Sun Ce grinned unconvincingly. "How long have I been stuck with—er, uh, how long have we been hanging out? Like the friends we are?"

"I dunno, about an hour?" Ling Tong asked. "I gotta say, Sun Ce, you're a lot less dumb than I originally thought you were. Next time you say something that sounds stupid, I promise I won't laugh!"

Sun Ce gritted his teeth and somehow twisted it into a smile. "Really? Thanks! You're the best, Ling Tong!"

"Yep," Ling Tong confirmed, "And, since we're friends now, you won't have any objections at all when I marry your sister!"

"Nope! Not at all! You're—wait, _what_?" Sun Ce asked blankly.

-

Hour 48

"Y'know, I'm not surprised Ling Tong tried to kill himself, and I'm not all that surprised he failed at it, either," Zhou Yu said, shaking his head.

"ZHOU YU!" Sun Ce said, outraged.

"What? You asked for an honest opinion!" Zhou Yu protested.

"YEAH, but I still can't believe you! These past two days you've been acting like you really cared about him!" Sun Ce said, folding his arms. "I must say I'm disappointed!"

"I didn't say too bad he didn't kill himself!" Zhou Yu pointed out. "All he ever does is whine and complain anyway! When's the last time he had a girlfriend? He might _be_ happier dead!"

"I think it's ridiculous how this whole suicide watch was YOUR idea, and you wanna give up on him halfway in," Sun Ce said, shaking his head. "We don't have enough money to recruit and train a new general, Gan Ning's been enough of a pain in the ass!"

Zhou Yu sighed. The door to the main room opened. Gan Ning jumped inside and slammed the door behind him.

"What'd you do _now_?" Zhou Yu asked suspiciously.

"Nothing! I'm a victim here! I've been hiding from your psychotic wife!" Gan Ning growled, pointing at his broken arm with his good hand.

"I think you'd better run," Sun Ce advised.

Gan Ning looked confused. "Why?"

"You think you're safe from my wife here? In the same room as I am?" Zhou Yu asked.

"Yes," Gan Ning said shortly. "Got a problem?"

Sun Ce laughed. "Are you kidding? Xiao Qiao's favorite hobby next to driving me crazy is following Zhou Yu everywhere!"

Gan Ning's face paled. "Oh."

Sun Ce and Zhou Yu's eyes simultaneously widened.

Gan Ning's eyes also widened, seeing their expressions. "She's right behind me, isn't she?"

"YEP!" Xiao Qiao chirped.

"AAAAAAAAGH!" Gan Ning shrieked. "GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!" Breaking into a sprint, he shoved Sun Ce out of the way and dove clear out the window.

They were on the second floor of the palace, something Gan Ning didn't realize until he was on the way down.

THUMP.

Sun Ce and Zhou Yu ran to the window. "Is he alive?" Zhou Yu asked.

"I dunno…" Sun Ce said, scratching his head. "Looks like he's peeing his pants… he can't be doing that if he's dead, right?"

"Owww," Gan Ning moaned from down below.

"I give the jump a 10, but the landing only gets a 2!" Sun Ce shouted. "If your other arm's busted, I'm deducting it from your pay!"

-

Hour 52

I wonder what's got Gan Ning's underwear in a twist? Xiao Qiao wondered, as she skipped down the hall. To her great dismay, she was stuck watching Ling Tong for the next hour.

Sun Ce had originally decided to take Xiao Qiao off the supervision list, but after realizing HE had to supervise Ling Tong in her place, quickly re-assigned her.

He's a big dummy, Xiao Qiao thought, frowning a bit at the thought of her brother-in-law, before perking up. Well, he'll cheer up a bit when he finds the frogs I put in his—

The door to Ling Tong's room swung open, and Huang Gai came out, carrying his giant club and looking very triumphant.

"Hi, Huang Gai!" Xiao Qiao chirped. "What's up, old timer?"

Huang Gai smiled at Xiao Qiao and shook his head. "Shh! Ling Tong's… asleep," he whispered.

"REALLY!?" Xiao Qiao shrieked. "That's great! I have to supervise him now!"

"You're welcome," Huang Gai grumbled. "Too bad I didn't think to clock him sooner—err, I mean, look at how sleepy he was and sing him a lullaby," he corrected, noticing Xiao Qiao's confusion.

Luckily, the obvious often flew right over Xiao Qiao's cute little head. Today was one of those occurrences. She just shrugged and beamed. "Okay! Will you sing me a lullaby sometime, Huang Gai? You're like a big cuddly teddy bear!"

Huang Gai rolled his eyes and huffed off. Xiao Qiao went into Ling Tong's room and looked around. His bed was empty, which was weird. Isn't he sleeping?

"Oh! There he is!" Xiao Qiao giggled to herself. "Hmm… he doesn't seem very comfortable…"

Ling Tong was lying on the floor, his mouth wide open and his arms and legs spread out. His head was also bent at a weird angle.

"I guess some people have weird sleeping habits," Xiao Qiao decided, sitting down on Ling Tong's bed. She noticed a flower pot on the table next to the bed, with a little card saying "Please Don't Kill Yourself! –Zhou Yu" on top of it.

She giggled. "My Zhou Yu's so nice!" she beamed. "But I'm bored!" She took the flowers out and grabbed the pot. Like she figured, it was full of water.

"Hey, Tongy! Wake up!" she ordered.

Ling Tong didn't move. With a shrug, Xiao Qiao dumped the pot of water on his head.

SPLASH.

Ling Tong groaned and opened his eyes. Xiao Qiao giggled again.

"Oww!" Ling Tong muttered, sitting up and looking around. "Where am I?" he asked, rubbing his head. "Where'd Huang Gai go?"

"You're in your room, silly!" Xiao Qiao replied. "I'm here to play with you now! Huang Gai said you were sleeping!"

"Why are there two of you?" Ling Tong asked, squinting.

-

Hour 60

"THANK YOU, Zhou Tai," Sun Quan muttered. "It's about damn time someone helped me out. I can't put my arms down!" He swatted away a bird attempting to nest in his hand.

"Don't mention it," Zhou Tai grunted.

"I am going to kill my brother," Sun Quan growled, as they headed back inside the palace.

"What now?" Zhou Tai mumbled.

Sun Quan scowled. "It's too long to explain. He was supposed to supervise Ling Tong after me, but he NEVER CAME. I was stuck there."

"Oh," Zhou Tai said.

Sun Quan frowned. "Ling Tong might have been right about you, Zhou Tai. You _are_ boring!"

"Humph," Zhou Tai replied.

Sun Quan rolled his eyes. "Have _you _watched Ling Tong yet?"

"No," Zhou Tai grunted.

Sun Quan very quickly realized this conversation wasn't going anywhere. "I'm leaving!"

"Goodbye," Zhou Tai said.

"I will talk to you as soon as you learn how to speak in something other than monosyllabic words!" Sun Quan snapped, stomping off towards the staircase.

Zhou Tai rolled his eyes.

-

Hour 65

"Dammit, Shang Xiang, I don't care if you want to go or not! Get over there!" Sun Ce ordered, banging on his sister's bedroom door.

The door opened, and Sun Ce could swear he saw murder in his sister's eyes. She grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and yanked him down until they were at eye level.

"If you ever make me go within two feet of that jerk again, I will castrate you! Am I clear!?" Sun Shang Xiang shouted, gushing a lot of hot air into the Little Conqueror's face.

"Never mind! Silly me, what was I thinking?" Sun Ce laughed, rubbing the back of his head. "Don't you worry, little sister, I'll find someone else to take your place… you, uh, just do what makes you happy, alright?"

"Humph," Sun Shang Xiang snapped, slamming the door shut.

Sun Ce groaned. Who the hell was he going to get to replace Sun Shang Xiang? Lu Meng was in there right now, he didn't think he'd be able to get away with pulling a fast one on HIM, damned smart guy.

I guess I could do it, Sun Ce thought with a sigh. But if he calls me stupid again, I swear I'm going to one-two punch him in the—

"Gan Ning, what the hell are you doing!?" Sun Ce asked, noticing Gan Ning hiding INSIDE a large flower pot. He would've been completely hidden if five inches of spiky brown hair and a giant white feather hadn't been sticking out of the top.

Gan Ning raised his head, looking annoyed. "How'd you find me!?"

"Next time put up a sign!" Sun Ce laughed. "What're you doing in there anyway?"

"Hiding! Now go away! Your wife almost gave me a heart attack earlier, I thought she was Xiao Qiao!" Gan Ning snapped, ducking down in the pot again. "Can you see my hair?"

Sun Ce face palmed. Then suddenly he had a genius idea. "Get outta there! If you want an actual hiding place, I know of one!"

Gan Ning popped back up again. "You do!? Where!?" He climbed out of the pot, a difficult feat for someone with TWO broken arms, both tied in slings wrapped around his neck. Clearly the recovery ward went to town with him today.

"I can guarantee you it's a place Xiao Qiao will never go," Sun Ce promised. "C'mon, follow me!"

They're probably going to kill each other, Sun Ce thought, leading an unsuspecting Gan Ning to Ling Tong's room, but I'd rather they kill each other than Shang Xiang kills me. That'd just be embarrassing… the Little Conqueror triumphs in battle but gets killed by his little sister, I don't think so!

"Where're we going anyway?" Gan Ning asked.

"Ling Tong's place. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS HIDE THERE FOR AN HOUR!" Sun Ce shouted, over Gan Ning's yelp of outrage.

"I'm not going anywhere near that whiny little crybaby! I'll take my chances with Xiao Qiao!" Gan Ning snapped.

"All you have to do is NOT kill each other for an hour! Even you two boneheads can go that long without arguing! You don't even have to look at him!" Sun Ce protested, willing to lie, cheat and steal to avoid going back into Ling Tong's room.

"Uh uh. Not happening!" Gan Ning snapped.

"WIMP!" Sun Ce yelled. "Gan Ning of the Bells is a big crying baby!"

"HEY!" Gan Ning shouted. "You take that back! I am not!"

"Yes you are! PAN-SY!" Sun Ce taunted.

"FINE! Go to hell!" Gan Ning huffed, opening the door to Ling Tong's room.

-

Hour 69

"Get outta here!" Gan Ning shouted at Lu Xun. He didn't have any arms to shove with, but Lu Xun got the point.

"Are you lost?" Lu Xun asked, and Gan Ning shut the door in his face.

Gan Ning growled under his breath and turned to face Ling Tong, who had already gone into pouty mode.

"What do YOU want!?" Ling Tong asked, annoyed.

"What the hell does it look like!?" Gan Ning snapped. "I'm here, to, uh…"

"Come to rub in how much more everyone likes you than they like me?" Ling Tong asked, still pouting.

Gan Ning shrugged. "Well, I wasn't about to bring it up…"

Sun Ce didn't specify how long he had to be in here, but he (Gan Ning) wasn't taking any chances with Xiao Qiao. He figured the best course of action here would be to put up with Ling Tong until he could get out of here.

"How'd you break both your arms?" Ling Tong asked.

"Running away from a girl" didn't sound quite as intimidating as Gan Ning had hoped, so he fudged it a little. "Wrestling an elephant."

"There's no elephants around here!" Ling Tong objected. "Elephants only live in Nan Zhong!"

"So why do you think I was wrestling him?" Gan Ning retorted, thinking quickly. "He was lost! I was making him go away!"

Ling Tong scowled. "I don't believe you!"

"And I don't care, so that works out great!" Gan Ning snapped.

Ling Tong scowled again, folding his arms. Gan Ning leaned up against the wall, glancing around the room before catching Ling Tong's glare.

He ignored him and glanced around the room. Propped in the corner of Ling Tong's bedroom was a large halberd with a red Wu banner attached to the spear part. Gan Ning recognized it to be the halberd Ling Cao, Ling Tong's father, tried to kill him with.

Well that sure didn't work out the way he planned, Gan Ning thought with a small chuckle.

Unable to shake off the irritating feeling of being watched, Gan Ning glanced over at Ling Tong again, and once again saw the younger man glaring at him.

Gan Ning glared back, mostly out of boredom. Ling Tong stopped glaring and smirked.

"What?" Gan Ning asked suspiciously. "What's with the face?"

Ling Tong's smirk didn't fade. "I've been thinking."

"About?"

"About how much I'd like to punch you in the face!" Ling Tong shouted.

"I don't have any friggen arms!" Gan Ning yelled. "You pansy!"

"Looks like it's my lucky day then!" Ling Tong jumped off his bed and charged Gan Ning, cocking his fist back.

Gan Ning might've been down two arms, but he wouldn't have been a feared mercenary pirate if he let something as trivial as a lack of fists beat him down.

He kicked Ling Tong in the stomach.

"OOF!" Ling Tong grunted, stopping in mid-run to hug his stomach. "OW! Cheap shot!"

Gan Ning rolled his eyes. "Yeah, telling the guy with no arms he can't kick you is a cheap shot. Grow up!"

"Don't tell me to grow up!" Ling Tong yelled.

"That's funny, I think I just did! And I'm gonna do it again! GROW UP, you miserable little baby!" Gan Ning shouted. "So you tried to kill yourself! BIG DEAL! It's amazing someone as wimpy as you doesn't set yourself on fire more often!"

Ling Tong looked outraged. "Where the hell do you get off calling ME wimpy!? I'm not the one with two broken arms here!"

"Yeah, you're just an idiot!" Gan Ning snapped. "The hell kind of general are you!? Something goes bad and you start crying and screaming about killing yourself!? Suck it up! People'd like you more if you didn't complain about everything!"

"I don't complain about everything!" Ling Tong shouted.

"YES YOU DO! SHUT UP!" Gan Ning yelled. "You're still suicidal, right? You still want to die!?"

Ling Tong scowled, folding his arms. "What about it?"

"Because I'm gonna kill you!" Gan Ning shouted.

"Yeah right! You and what arms?" Ling Tong yelled.

"I DON'T NEED ARMS TO KILL YOU!" Gan Ning screamed, apparently losing any control of himself. He ran at Ling Tong and started trying to kick him again; Ling Tong yelped in fear and crawled under his bed.

"Ha! Just try getting me under here!" Ling Tong shouted.

Gan Ning thought for a second (surprising) and started kicking underneath Ling Tong's bed.

"OW!" Ling Tong yelped. "Hey, no fair!"

"Get back here!" Gan Ning shouted. "You little pansy! You want to die so bad, I'll put you out of your misery!"

"No! You don't get to kill me! Only I get to kill me!"

"I'LL DO THE SAME THING TO YOU WHAT I DID TO YOUR STUPID FATHER!" Gan Ning shouted.

"What!?" Ling Tong repeated. "YOU killed my father!?"

"YES I DID!" Gan Ning shouted. "I killed your father! Go cry about it!"

-

"Sun Ce!?" Zhou Yu asked incredulously.

"Mmph?" Sun Ce asked, his mouth full of food.

"My lord!" Da Qiao wailed, looking horrified. "Chew and swallow before speaking!"

"Sworry," Sun Ce apologized. He gulped down his mouthful and turned towards Zhou Yu. "Whaddaya want, Zhou Yu?"

"Aren't you supposed to be watching Ling Tong?" Zhou Yu asked.

"No," Sun Ce said, "Gan Ning was running away from Xiao Qiao so I told him to go hide in Ling Tong's room. Ling Tong's not gonna kill himself with Gan Ning around, right?"

Zhou Yu smacked himself on the forehead. "No, but perhaps they might have an altercation and attack each other!?"

"That did cross my mind," Sun Ce said thoughtfully. "Alright, fine, let's go check on 'em or whatever…"

-

Gan Ning had expected this news to incite Ling Tong so much he'd get out from under the bed and fight him.

Ling Tong did come out from under the bed, but to Gan Ning's annoyance he didn't look angry.

"What!?" Gan Ning asked, annoyed.

Ling Tong wrapped his arms around Gan Ning and hugged him.

"What the hell?" Gan Ning asked, looking confused and disgusted. "Eww! Get off!"

"It's about time someone finally told me!" Ling Tong wailed. Gan Ning was disgusted even more seeing he was crying.

"What the hell are you crying about!? Get off!" Gan Ning ordered. "Are you deaf or something? I said I _killed _your father! I wasn't supposed to say anything because Zhou Yu figured you'd fly off the handle again!"

"So instead everyone LIES to me! I knew you killed my father all along!" Ling Tong wailed. "He didn't just drop dead!"

Gan Ning thought for a second. Ling Cao might as WELL have dropped dead, it sure didn't take much effort on Gan Ning's part to kill him.

If he had an arm, Gan Ning would've knocked Ling Tong on his ass by now, but unfortunately he couldn't move. Stomping on Ling Tong's foot might work, but even he wasn't so evil that he'd hit a crying kid.

Actually crying wasn't the word for it… sobbing pathetically was a bit more appropriate. Yikes. With a roll of his eyes, Gan Ning put up with the hugging for about three more seconds before the sniveling started giving him a headache.

"Alright, that's enough, now get off," Gan Ning ordered, "I mean it, kid—"

With a loud THUNK, the recently repaired door to Ling Tong's room toppled over, and Sun Ce and Zhou Yu came bursting through the door frame.

"Alright you two, stop killing each— what the FUCK?" Zhou Yu asked, his eyes widening.

"Zhou Yu!" Sun Ce snickered.

"That door wasn't locked!" Ling Tong shouted. "Do I have to post a sign or something!?"

"I'm gonna count to five and then I'm gonna explode," Gan Ning growled. "Get him off me!"

Sun Ce chuckled, grabbing Ling Tong's shoulders and prying the younger man's vice grip hold off Gan Ning. "C'mon, Ling Tong, I'm sure Zhou Yu would be more than happy to take you for a walk around the palace while the engineers fix this door."

"We were actually getting along, too!" Ling Tong whined.

"If that's what you want to call it, sure," Gan Ning said, making a face. "I'm outta here!"

"Right behind you, buddy," Sun Ce added, "See you guys!"

"Hey! Sun Ce, don't you dare leave me here—" Zhou Yu saw Ling Tong fold his arms and start pouting again.

"Finish that sentence!" Ling Tong said, "Go ahead! You don't want to be anywhere near me! Nobody does! I'm a toxin!"

Zhou Yu just sighed.

-

A/N: This one took longer than I thought it would. I wanted to make sure the Gan Ning and Ling Tong showdown was epic. How'd it go? XD I figured a fight scene would be too predictable so I did something else.

I stupidly forgot to include the hour countdowns in previous chapters, but I did in this one, so you can kind of figure where we are right now. Hours are out of 72.

And for the record, the whole Gan Ning and Ling Tong scene taking place at hour 69 was an accident, I SWEAR! :D Really!

Next chapter's the last one. Any other characters you want to see? Lu Meng is in the next one... I'm probably gonna include Sun Quan too, but I haven't done anything with him yet. :P


	5. Hours 70 to End Watch

Last chapter! I have dawdled long and hard (err) to provide the best damn ending to this story possible. Here's to hoping I don't pull a JK Rowling and kill the entire story off here!

-

Hour 70

"Zhou Tai, waaaaaait," Sun Quan called, running up to his bodyguard as quickly as his new Dynasty Warriors 6 pants would allow him. "I have to say, it's much easier running around everywhere wearing pants instead of those Emperor robes."

Zhou Tai grunted in response.

Sun Quan, quite used to this by now, ignored the grunting. Talking to Zhou Tai wasn't unlike talking to a brick wall, except you were more likely to get a response out of the brick wall.

"It would figure Ce would find a way to weasel me into watching Ling Tong for the final hour before his suicide watch is up," Sun Quan complained. "It's always, Quan, go do this, or Quan, go do that. Just because I had the misfortune to be born second!"

Zhou Tai grunted again, which was conveyed to Sun Quan as a signal to continue. And he did.

"I'm much more intelligent than he is, I'm a better swordsman, and thanks to my new Dynasty Warriors 6 image I'm hotter than ever. So why does he get all the fame, the glory, and the beautiful wife? Did anyone ask ME if I wanted to wed a Lady Qiao? I don't think so!" Sun Quan fumed.

Zhou Tai made a mental note to stay the heck away from Sun Quan when he got like this. Of course, the note was mental.

Sun Quan growled again. He suddenly stopped and looked at Zhou Tai again. Zhou Tai, fearing Sun Quan wanted to look at his scar again (like in that creepy DW4 ending, which only gave poor Zhou Tai various _mental_ scars) was about to say something before Sun Quan spoke up.

"Zhou Tai, I just had an idea," Sun Quan said proudly. "I'm a Sun too, right? I might not hold as much power over you as my brother, but I still hold power and I'm not about to put up with Ling Tong any longer than I have to. YOU will go watch Ling Tong in my place and that's an order!"

"No," Zhou Tai groaned, "Mercy."

"Think about it, Zhou Tai, you are Ling Tong's polar opposite. True, he very nearly made Taishi Ci cry like a little girl; but you're strong! You're stoic! You're inpenetrable! He won't be able to crack you! Go get him!" Sun Quan encouraged.

Zhou Tai scowled and sulked off towards Ling Tong's room.

-

"We're throwing him a "Hooray, you didn't kill yourself" party!?" Sun Shang Xiang demanded, staring at the giant banner adorning the grand hall entrance.

Da Qiao nodded. "Of course we are! He needs to be assured that we all love and care about him!"

"I wouldn't put it that way," Zhou Yu muttered.

"Is that what you said when he tried to get to third with you, sis?" Xiao Qiao asked innocently.

Da Qiao turned red. "Oh shut up!"

"THIRD? Well aren't you the lucky one!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted. "He is driving me up the wall! Just because I got scheduled to babysit him TWELVE TIMES NOW, he thinks I keep coming back to see him because I'm in love with him! Does he hit on you!?" The question was aimed at the younger Qiao.

"No," Xiao Qiao said, tapping her chin thoughtfully. "He said I looked too much like jailbait. Whatever that means."

"We could use some help with the decorations," Sun Ce called. He turned to see his sister and he beamed. "Hey, Shang Xiang! Why didn't you tell me about the wedding?"

"What?" Sun Shang Xiang asked blankly. "What the hell are you talking about, Ce!?"

"Well, Tong said you guys were getting married!" Sun Ce replied, "I must say, I'm a little offended I didn't hear it from my sister first—"

Sun Shang Xiang was outraged. "I'm _not_ marrying him! And I can't believe we're throwing a party because he DIDN'T kill himself! What's next, we're going to throw _me_ a party because I HAVEN'T thrown his ass out the window!?"

"You threw him out the window!?" Zhou Yu gasped.

"NO! I wouldn't sleep with him earlier, so he tried to jump!" Sun Shang Xiang said, folding her arms. "Do you have any idea what it's like to be treated like a piece of meat!?"

Sun Ce thought for a moment at the memory of changing his shirt earlier. He heard giggling and at least fifteen female servants were back there. He stared at them for a good two minutes before they yelped and ran off.

"No idea," Sun Ce replied, rolling his eyes. "Shang Xiang, it cheers him up, you can't just let him prod you?"

"You're my older brother! You're supposed to fly off in an overprotective rage and want to kill him!" Sun Shang Xiang whined. "Here he is trying to sleep with me and you don't even care!?"

"People act stupid when they're desperate," Sun Ce said, shaking his head. He made a face. "You, uh, didn't, did you? Sleep with him, I mean?"

"Of course I didn't!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted. "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!" She stormed off, leaving the rest of her generals—minus Ling Tong and Zhou Tai, who was supervising him—to decorate on their own.

-

Hour 71

Ling Tong sat on his bed, frowning.

"You're not gonna say anything!?" he asked incredulously.

Zhou Tai grunted.

Ling Tong scowled. "Well screw you then! Send in a girl!"

"Not happening," Zhou Tai said flatly. "Deal with it."

Ling Tong made a face. He didn't like this one bit.

"I bet I've slept with more women than you," he challenged.

Zhou Tai remained silent.

Ling Tong's eyes narrowed. "Not talking, huh?"

Zhou Tai remained silent.

Ling Tong's eyes narrowed even further. "You think you can break me, huh? I've never met anyone I couldn't annoy! You're just another face in the crowd, Zhou Tai, you're nothing special!"

Zhou Tai remained silent.

Ling Tong frowned. Zhou Tai did put up with Sun Quan for a living, come to think of it. Well, no matter, he'd find some way to make Zhou Tai explode and run out of the room screaming in a similar fashion to Taishi Ci.

Maybe if I don't say anything, he'll talk first, Ling Tong hypothesized. Well, worth a shot. He folded his arms and remained quiet.

Zhou Tai remained silent.

Ling Tong groaned and banged his head against the wall. "I think I've actually met my match for once…"

"Ha," Zhou Tai chuckled.

Ling Tong's eyes widened. He got up and started jumping on his bed triumphantly. "HA HA HA! I made you talk! In your face! I WIN, I WIN, I—"

THUNK. He hit the ground.

Zhou Tai lowered his fist, rubbing the metal knuckle greaves he wore affectionately. "The end," he muttered.

-

Hour 72

Since she wouldn't help decorate, Sun Shang Xiang had been ordered by her brothers to go fetch Ling Tong from Lu Meng's custody ahead of time, distract him until the hour was over, and bring him down to the party. Ling Tong was on his last hour for his watch.

Why he couldn't just stay with Lu Meng for the remainder of the hour was beyond Sun Shang Xiang, but whatever. Ling Tong's time was almost up, even she could put up with his annoying behavior for that amount of time. And as soon as 72 hours was said and done, she'd punch him. And she'd enjoy punching him, dammit. It was a punch well deserved.

Unfortunately for Lu Meng, he didn't know that his salvation was arriving half an hour early. The scholarly general was being slowly tortured to death as Ling Tong told him the story of when he was eight years old and he used to hide in the straw piles outside the Wu kingdom farms to scare the farmers half to death, a story which, as you can imagine, was about as boring as it sounded. So boring, in fact, that this author isn't going to make you sit through it. Just imagine something really boring.

Right when Lu Meng _himself _was contemplating suicide, or at least killing Ling Tong and making it look like a suicide, a knock on the door interrupted Ling Tong's story.

"I wonder who that is," Ling Tong commented.

"Hopefully it's the angel of death," Lu Meng muttered.

"What?" Ling Tong asked.

"Oh, nothing~" Lu Meng got up to answer the door, and saw the Princess. "IT'S THE ANGEL OF MERCY!" he shouted, throwing his arms around Sun Shang Xiang in a hug.

"Eww! Lu Meng, get off!" Sun Shang Xiang whined. "What IS it with the people living here!?"

"THANK YOU. THANK YOU!" Lu Meng told her, looking slightly crazed. Sun Shang Xiang watched as the somber strategist ran down the hall, kicking and dancing and spinning around like a flamboyant Broadway musical star (for lack of a better term) as he did.

"SHANG XIANG! You're back!" Ling Tong shouted happily, jumping off his bed and throwing his arms around her. "I MISSED YOU!"

"Tong, I just saw you two hours ago!" Sun Shang Xiang pointed out, patting his back awkwardly.

"Yeah, and Zhou Tai pissed me off and Lu Meng wouldn't go away! I missed you!" Ling Tong said, beaming at her almost radiantly, squeezing her hands.

Sun Shang Xiang pulled her hands from Ling Tong's and nearly tore muscles in her wrist trying to prevent herself from making a fist and punching him. "I missed you too," she lied through her teeth, "Actually, I've… uhh… oh, just come downstairs with me!"

"Alright!" Ling Tong agreed.

Sun Shang Xiang groaned, leading the way towards the dining hall where the surprise party was being held. She didn't get paid enough to put up with this—hey, wait a minute, she didn't get paid at all! She'd be having a word with her brother about that—

"Hey, Shang Xiang? Wait up a second," Ling Tong said, turning towards her.

"What?" Sun Shang Xiang asked, almost afraid of whatever it was he was about to suggest.

"I want to say thank you," Ling Tong said, and Sun Shang Xiang's jaw dropped.

He's probably just trying to scam me again. "Tong, you don't have to—"

"No, I do," Ling Tong insisted, his sincerity almost palpable. "You've been so nice to me these past few days, and I know I've been an obnoxious pain in the ass to you and everyone else… but really, if it wasn't for you being there for me, I don't know what I would've done."

Sun Shang Xiang desperately wanted to believe he was lying. It'd be just like him to try and get one last rise out of her before his 72 hours were up, but he didn't know he was on suicide watch, did he? It was dark in the hallway, but that didn't hide the sincerity in his eyes. And why the hell did it feel like she had butterflies in her stomach?

"I should've known I could've counted on you. You're incredible," Ling Tong said, squeezing her hands gently.

"Tong, I…"

Sun Shang Xiang stared at him, aware her cheeks were turning red, and not because of rage. Standing in front of her was the kindest, sweetest, nicest, most incredible man in the entire universe and she just realized she was insanely in love with him. And she'd spent the past three days trying to avoid him as much as possible!? _Was she __insane_!?

Ling Tong let her hands go and stretched his arms. "Well that's all I had to say… let's go eat or something, I'm—"

"NO!" Sun Shang Xiang said suddenly, grabbing his hands. "No! Don't go! Stay here!"

"What?" Ling Tong asked.

"I love you!" Sun Shang Xiang explained.

Ling Tong's eyes widened. "You _what_?"

"Don't ever leave me!" Sun Shang Xiang wailed, throwing herself into his arms.

"I love you too!" Ling Tong said, wrapping his arms around her, "Geez, Shang Xiang, I thought you hated me!"

"NEVER!" Sun Shang Xiang said, looking horrified, "I could never hate you!! Let's go downstairs and tell everyone!"

-

Hour 73

Suicide Watch Over

"Here we are!" Sun Shang Xiang said happily, still holding Ling Tong's hand and cuddling up to him with her free arm. "Y'know, Tong, really, I'm not hungry anymore, what say we head back upstairs and—"

"SURPRISE!" everyone shouted, jumping up from hiding behind the table.

THUNK. "OW!" Gan Ning and Xiao Qiao shouted, in unison, from _underneath _the table. "Do it again! We weren't ready!"

Everyone ignored them.

Ling Tong's jaw dropped. "You guys did all this for me!?"

"We sure did!" Sun Ce said, patting him on the shoulder, "We saw how depressed you were lately, buddy, so we all stepped in to cheer you up!"

"It worked!" Ling Tong said, smiling, "I've never been this happy! You guys really like me, don't you?"

"But I love you! More than anything else in the world!" Sun Shang Xiang said quickly. "Ya hear that? I LOVE HIM!"

"What the hell?" Sun Ce asked blankly. "Uhh… Shang Xiang? You didn't eat anything funny, did you?"

"Of course I didn't! He's mine!" Sun Shang Xiang said protectively, still clinging to Ling Tong's arm.

"Oookay," Sun Ce said, eying his sister strangely. "Well, regardless, let's get this party started, shall we?"

-

"Guys, really, I have to say something," Ling Tong said, trying to keep everyone's chattering down, "C'mon, guys, it's important—"

"Aww, can't it just wait till later, honey?" Sun Shang Xiang asked, still hugging onto him.

"Nope. I'll tell ya what _also _can't wait 'til later," Ling Tong told her, and Sun Shang Xiang giggled.

Xiao Qiao caught her sister's eye. Both Qiaos tried not to gag at Sun Shang Xiang's _completely _out-of-character behavior…

Sun Ce finally seemed to notice that Ling Tong was trying to say something, and waved his hands to get everyone's attention. "Alright everyone, shut up, the man wants to say something—"

"Speech! Speech! Speech!" Lu Xun, Taishi Ci, and Xiao Qiao began chanting.

"Speech! Make it a short one!" Gan Ning called.

Ling Tong made to stand up, but Sun Shang Xiang wouldn't let go of his arm. Eventually she just jumped up and stood there next to him, still hugging onto him.

"Eww!" Xiao Qiao shouted. "Get a room!"

Sun Shang Xiang stuck her tongue out at her, before turning to Ling Tong, batting the eyelashes nobody knew existed until one chapter ago. "Go ahead, darling," she said sweetly.

Ling Tong grinned. "Well guys, I want to say thanks for cheering me up and everything, but… um… I'm not so sure how anyone's going to react to this, but I'm just going to throw this out there."

"You're gay!" Gan Ning shouted. "I KNEW IT!"

"I am not!" Ling Tong shouted.

"ANYWAY," Sun Ce hollered, "Now that we've cleared THAT elephant out of the room… Tong, go ahead and say what you were about to say before!"

"I'm not gonna say it anymore!" Ling Tong pouted.

"Go ahead, we're all friends here," Sun Quan called.

"Yeah, c'mon, the sooner you say whatever it is you have to say, the sooner this stupid party ends, and we can have a real one!" Sun Shang Xiang giggled.

Everyone groaned in mutual disgust, including the author.

"Hey, I gotta go to the bathroom," Gan Ning announced, cutting Ling Tong off again for about the fifteenth time.

Sun Ce looked at him blankly. "Then go!"

Gan Ning looked down at his two broken arms pointedly before scowling at Sun Ce. "I'd love to!"

Sun Ce smacked himself on the forehead. "Someone go help him…"

"Me! Me! I'll go!" Xiao Qiao yelped.

Everyone (except sulking Ling Tong) turned to look at her.

"Xiao?" Zhou Yu asked, rightfully confused, wondering why his wife was so eager to help Gan Ning out of his pants.

Xiao Qiao shrugged. "If it means I get to miss Tong's boring speech, sure!"

Ling Tong scowled. "I'm standing right here, ya know!"

Xiao Qiao nodded. "I know!" She turned towards Gan Ning, who was staring at her, white-faced with fear. "What?"

"You're not coming anywhere near me!" Gan Ning shouted, jumping up and running off in terror.

Xiao Qiao shook her head. "No! Come back! _I don't want to hear this speech!_" She chased after him.

"Stay away from me, woman!" Gan Ning shouted from down the hall.

"WILL ALL OF YOU SHUT UP AND LET MY DARLING SPEAK!?" Sun Shang Xiang hollered. Fearfully, everyone obeyed.

"I didn't try to kill myself! I was hung over, and I thought the weapons closet was the food closet!" Ling Tong chuckled. "Seriously, I tripped and landed on one of those daggers on the ground, and I fell asleep there. I would've gotten up or something, but my head was really hurting…"

"So you… didn't try to kill yourself?" Sun Ce asked calmly.

"Nope," Ling Tong confirmed. He looked around. Everyone looked disgusted, to say the least.

"Guys?" Ling Tong looked around again before looking at Sun Shang Xiang. She was still wearing her gleefully happy expression, but it looked a bit frozen. Her grip on his arm was also cutting off his blood circulation.

"Shang Xiang?" he asked a bit hesitantly, "You okay?"

"You _lying _son of a bitch!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted, rearing on him, lunging for his throat. "I'm gonna kill you!!"

Sensing sudden disaster, Sun Ce jumped _over _the table, grabbing his sister and putting her in a full Nelson. "Calm down, Shang Xiang! It's not worth it!" he shouted, over his sister's raging. "He's not worth killing!"

Ling Tong looked a little demoralized. He looked around. "What's with you guys?"

"I was saving myself for you!" Sun Shang Xiang was shrieking, kicking and thrashing and trying to free herself from Sun Ce's unfaltering grip.

Sun Ce rolled his eyes. If this was how Sun Shang Xiang reacted after dumping her boyfriend of barely two hours, he'd hate to see what would've happened if she actually _did _marry Ling Tong.

The others apparently seemed to be on Sun Shang Xiang's side here, and all looked rightfully outraged. Some seemed appalled that Ling Tong would lie about a suicide for attention; most were angry that they had to spend precious hours of their lives with Ling Tong.

"Who pretends to kill themselves for attention!?" Da Qiao wailed.

"Where's your Wu pride!?" Sun Quan bellowed.

"Let the Princess kill him!" Lu Xun yelled.

"I stayed up all night working on that damned suicide plan!" Zhou Yu groaned.

Even Zhou Tai had something to say. Nobody heard him, though.

Ling Tong looked confused. "Hey, what happened to everyone liking me!? I thought you guys were my friends!"

"You don't LIE to your friends!" Sun Ce pointed out, still restraining his raging little sister.

"You guys are mad, aren't you?" Ling Tong asked slowly. He got angry. "You're mad because I _didn't _try to kill myself!?"

Everyone still looked disgusted (except for Sun Ce, who looked like he was tearing a muscle, and Sun Shang Xiang, who still looked enraged).

Ling Tong looked outraged. "Well, FINE! If that's how you assholes think, then SCREW YOU! I'm gonna go jump in the friggen ocean!" he shouted.

Nobody moved.

"You know what? Screw you! Screw all of you!!" Ling Tong shouted. "With friends like you assholes, who needs any friggen enemies!?"

Once again, he got no reaction. Furiously, Ling Tong stomped over towards the dining hall doors, nearly running into Gan Ning and Xiao Qiao, who were just returning from the bathroom.

"Hey! Watch where you're going!" Gan Ning complained, "If I fall over, I'm not getting back up very easily! And I'm not letting her touch me!"

"I'm going to go kill myself!" Ling Tong yelled.

"You're such a baby!" Xiao Qiao whined at Gan Ning, "I was just trying to help!"

"Uh, hello!? I'm going to go kill myself!?" Ling Tong repeated, not getting the reactions he was hoping for.

"I didn't need help _aiming_!" Gan Ning retorted at Xiao Qiao.

"Oh, FUCK MY LIFE!" Ling Tong shouted, gesturing wildly, before storming past.

It was silent for about a whole minute before Gan Ning and Xiao Qiao exchanged glances. Then Gan Ning spoke up.

"What the hell did we miss?" the confused ex-pirate asked.

Nobody felt up to answering him.

Sun Shang Xiang was still kicking and trying to free herself from her brother's restraint. "Get off me!!" she shouted.

"Do you promise to be good and not run off and kill Ling Tong, although in your defense he does deserve it?" Sun Ce asked.

"Yes, fine, whatever," Sun Shang Xiang grumbled.

Sun Ce nodded. "Well, okay then." He released his sister, and he hadn't even had time to lower his arms before Sun Shang Xiang (predictably) leapt over the table and ran for the door.

"Oh, poop. NING STOP HER!" Sun Ce ordered.

Gan Ning looked at Sun Ce blankly. Remembering his star commander didn't have any arms, Sun Ce scowled and smacked himself on the forehead.

"How long until the crying starts?" Xiao Qiao asked eagerly.

"AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!"

"Right on schedule," Sun Ce muttered. "That wasn't a scream of pain, that was a scream of fear. She hasn't killed him yet."

"Aren't you going to do something?" Zhou Yu sighed.

Sun Ce shook his head. "Nah. Little fucker's on his own. I wouldn't have let Shang Xiang go if I didn't think she would run off and kill him."

"Fair enough," Zhou Yu said agreeably.

Sun Ce thought for a moment. "On second thought, Ling Tong's a tricky little shit, he might evade her. Let's go help."

"HOORAY!" everyone cheered, jumping up and charging through the doors of the dining hall. One general got left behind in the mad rush, but everyone was so eager to kill Ling Tong they didn't notice. Or care.

"OW!" Gan Ning shouted, on his back, kicking furiously to get upright. "HEY! Someone help me up! I wanna go too!"

-

NEXT TIME:

Zhou Yu cleared. "Well, judging by the success of Ling Tong's suicide watch, we've decided to be more pro-active about fixing our generals' problems that might affect their proficiency in battle."

"What?" Xiao Qiao asked, confused.

"You guys are screwed up one way or another and we're going to fix all of you the way we fixed Tong," Sun Ce explained.

"He didn't need _fixing_!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted. "He was just LYING! Liars don't need fixing, they need to get castrated!"

"Well, we didn't fix his suicide issues, but something tells me he'll never lie again," Sun Ce commented dryly, glancing over at Ling Tong.

Ling Tong eyed Sun Shang Xiang fearfully. She was still enraged with him for lying about his suicide; he tried talking to her once she'd calmed down, to see if she was still in love with him, but wisely decided to make a run for it when she chased after him with a halberd.

"Anyway," Zhou Yu said, "If left unchecked, this particular problem can become so dangerous it could kill us all."

"Who?" Gan Ning asked. "Is it me?" His face lit up with joy at the idea.

"No. We've decided that we need to fix Shang Xiang's anger problems," Sun Ce said, rolling his eyes.

"I DON'T HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted, jumping up and banging her fist on the table. "Where the hell do you get off!?"

"Exhibit A," Sun Quan muttered.

"Go to hell!" Sun Shang Xiang yelled.

"Yes, you do," Zhou Yu said firmly. "So, to fix this, we've decided that every time you lose your temper for an unjustified reason—"

"Justified meaning you're getting stabbed, raped, forced to listen to one of Yu's boring lectures, or some horrible combination of the three," Sun Ce interrupted, ticking off on his fingers. He gave Zhou Yu a winning smile.

Zhou Yu shot Sun Ce a dirty look before continuing. "Anyway, every time you lose your temper, Shang Xiang, the person closest to you will pinch your arm."

"WHAT!? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!!" Sun Shang Xiang yelled.

Lu Xun, seated right next to Sun Shang Xiang, saw his golden opportunity and promptly pinched the Princess on her forearm.

With almost inhuman speed, Sun Shang Xiang whipped around and punched the poor little strategist so hard he flipped backwards and collapsed on the ground with a loud thud.

Everyone stared, wide-eyed. Zhou Yu quickly got up to check the young man's pulse. Ling Tong whimpered in fear and hid beneath the table as the Princess's predator eyes scanned the table suspiciously, looking for a new victim.

-

For the record, I'm never going to write the aforementioned "next time", but it was something I wanted to include and couldn't fit into the actual story. XD

If anyone's wondering my reasoning as to Sun Shang Xiang's completely OOC flip over Ling Tong, she gets written as a headstrong tomboy who gets her head turned and suddenly turns into a fluffy gooey girly girl in the worst possible way (and that's not fanfiction, people, that's what _Dynasty Warriors 6_ did to her) and she'll kill anyone who gets in the way of her and her fluff tirades. Barf.

But of course it wasn't going to last, Fluffy!SSX makes me want to vomit. D:

Anyway, that about does it for Suicide Watch; thanks for all the reviews so far, keep 'em coming (XD) and if you liked this story, go check out Overlord! How bad can it be, it's got the same badass author ;)


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